Responsibility of Orgasmic Proportions
It is perhaps one of the most obvious statements one can possibly make to say that Western Culture is heavily focused on sex and pleasure. We build themes around it, talk about it and let it saturate much of mainstream media. This is not entirely bad except ... where we talk about it we fall far short of talking about many of the things that desperately need to be talked about. While we see sexual marketing everywhere, this marketing can be extremely biased in that it is still often geared towards traditional western thought regarding sexuality and how sexual roles should be performed.
At this particular moment in time, the thing that strikes me the most is who we think is responsible for our orgasms. When we masturbate, of course, the responsibility is clear. Nobody else is there, so there's only one possible option for who is going to ensure we get to climax. However, when there's two people there, the dynamics of who is responsible for what becomes fuzzy, expectations are changed and there often is, unfortunately, a failure to communicate. This leads to men and women each expecting their partners to be responsible for their own pleasure during sex with more proactive behavior from men than from women.
We're currently in a culture where open, frank discussions about sex and sexuality are still not condoned and where primary sources for sexual behavior outside of sexual safety tend to be from social norms and pornography. Girls, especially, face the problem of being educated by way of just talking to other girls. They might be told from parents and grandparents and friends that their bodies belong to their future husbands and/or that being sexual is, overall, not a thing that a proper lady does. Boys face the same problems but are more likely to also encounter pornography which gives them a different information set to draw upon. Of course, porn is not a very good sexual educator. It does have a use and can be very beneficial overall, but it is not a good source for an education on sexual behavior - that is not its intent. Each of these sources might blend somewhat, so the overall point is that the education sources are often inadequate in regards to how we view sexuality. Still another source for sexual information is a person's school. Teachers might take the responsibility on of discussing puberty, proper hygiene and the very basics about sex and safety. They won't, however, be likely to dive into the ethics and common practices of initiating sex, the process of sex and proper roles in achieving orgasms.
So what am I getting at with all of this? Well, it has come to my attention lately that many people expect their partners during sex to cause their orgasms. With the differing ways that each individual body works, though, and with the lack of information that a partner might have about their companion, this may not always be possible and it may also be too high of an expectation. The confusion over who is responsible for who's orgasm might result in women who have never had an orgasm and men who have a tough time communicating their sexual needs to their partner (among a whole list of other problems).
I expect this post to essentially be a lead in to future posts about orgasm and issues in sexual interactions between partners over the roles and behaviors involved in sex itself. For now, the main message that i want to express is more a set of advice - we can call them "Sophie's Rules For Multiplayer Sex":
1. Know your body. Men and Women both need to do this. Use a mirror, look around, feel around. If you're a guy, discover what your testicles feel like when you're not actively masturbating as compared to when you are. Use some lube and slide your fingers around your testicles and perineum to get used to them. Look at your genitals closely. and carefully take note of where it is that you like to touch yourself when you masturbate. Examine your penis closely. If you're uncircumcised, pull back your foreskin and have a look around your glans. If you like anal or are interested in anal play, check out your ass too! Use a mirror. If you happen to be a woman, the mirror is even more important to you than it is for the guys. This is because your genitals aren't so far out in the open as theirs are. Examine both your inner and outer labia, feel around them with your fingers. Check out your clit and pull back the prepuce (the little piece of skin that the clit sometimes likes to hide under). Feel around and learn where your urethra and vaginal openings are. Don't be afraid to even put a finger into your vagina and try to squeeze it with your pelvic floor muscles. Know and/or learn what gives you pleasure. It might take a few tries, but keep working at it.
2. Don't lose sight of boundaries. Just like any other form of human interaction, sexuality has some necessary rules. Each individual is different in what they are comfortable with doing and trying and each individual has personal rights that need to always be respected. It is a good idea to discuss where you and your partner want to set your boundaries before you decide to have sex. Even if your relationship involves BDSM, your boundaries need to be clearly stated before you begin and you should make sure that you are in agreement as to where boundaries are and that you have a safe word.
3. Tell your partner what you want. This may seem like one of the most obvious courtesies on the planet, but it is also one thing that many people find extremely difficult. Sometimes people are afraid of disappointing their partners, sometimes people aren't sure what things should be mentioned and sometimes people feel that this 'ruins the mood' or somehow devalues the experience. The thing is, without communication you risk losing out on getting what you want in sex. There's no guarantees that your partner is going to agree to what you want, but you're not going to know until you ask. Once you've heard a 'no' then you've got your answer, but if you don't ask, you're likely to miss whatever chance you had for a 'yes.' (Note: If the answer is 'no' that doesn't mean it is acceptable to beg for it - begging is considered rude).
4. Take responsibility for pleasure. Having expectations during sex without explicit reason to is a great way to kill your sexual experience before you even start it. You need a reason for expectations before having them in any social situations. For example, if you go to a friend's house, you wouldn't expect dinner unless it was previously agreed upon somehow that you would be getting some dinner while there. Furthermore, if you invite a friend over for dinner, it would be silly for you to expect them to cook you dinner unless it was agreed upon before. Likewise, you can't expect someone else to give you an orgasm without it being either agreed upon or implied - and you most certainly can't expect it if they don't have the knowledge as to how they can give you an orgasm. Thus, taking responsibility not only means agreeing upon what will happen, but also letting your partner know how they can give you pleasure. Also, even actually telling another person what to do does not guarantee that they will be able to do it perfectly the first time, so it helps to have some understanding in regards to what your partner is able to do. So taking responsibility for your orgasm may even mean that you need to help your own orgasm along.
I hope to expand upon these rules more in the future, edit them and even make some points even more clear as I go along. Please understand that this is a first draft representation. Please feel free to let me know if you think of something that needs added, clarified or is worth questioning in my presentation thus far.
