You’ve thrown on your best shirt, shaved and splashed on some pricey smelling stuff with a foreign-sounding brand name. You’ve made an effort to pretty yourself up, and you’re feeling pretty damn good as you lean in closer to the buxom beauty in the red dress. You reckon it’s a certain thing, until you realize she’s been slowly inching backwards, her eyes fixated on a spot just slightly below your eye level. Long creeping nose hairs. A deal-breaker.
The world is changing, men; music is changing, fashion is evolving, and no longer is it ok for men to run around trying to sow their seed while looking like a Neanderthal.
Here are a few grooming ideas broken down into 3 simple categories that you should be keeping in mind every time you attend to your toilette, because even though you don’t care, women do!
1) Hair
Body hair on men was considered a glorious display of manhood back in the 70s and 80s. Today, it´s all about keeping the yard manicured.
Set your clippers to the highest setting, and carefully scale off the tips off your chest hairs. Be careful not to get overzealous. You want it somewhere between an 8 day regrowth and shit I lost a hair tie in that mess.
Crotch fur should NEVER be skinned down (but if you’re a prematurely balding man, skinning it down is the sexiest and only option. Please for the love of God do not try hold on to what remains) but trimmed down to inviting softness. There is nothing more visually disturbing than an erect penis set on a prepubescent background.
Balls on the other hand, are best kept hairless and smooth as eggs.
Hairy ears and noses are a no go zone. Back hair is debatable, but take a moment and ask yourself if you would like to bang a woman with hairy legs. Then make a decision.
2) Nails
I have faith that most men nowadays have the foresight to keep their fingernails neat and clean. Toenails on the other hand, are an often neglected happy house of sock fuzz, ingrown goodness and lord knows what else.
If you aren’t confident enough to get a pedicure on your own, enlist the company of a good girl mate or spend an evening with a nail clipper, nail file and a YouTube tutorial on how to get that mess cleaned up and maintained.
3) Teeth
The eyes may be the windows to the soul, but the mouth is the clearest indication of a person’s hygiene.
Yellow coffee and cigarette-stained teeth with decade-old plaque is possibly the biggest turn off. I know no self-respecting woman that would want that near her mouth or her vagina. Solution? Brush your teeth, and visit your dentist every 6 months.
Follow these guidelines and be comforted that you won’t be waxing your crotch and bleaching your anus like us girls, and know that we will love you all the more for it!
