In continuation of our sex party exploits – we’ve already talked about how to organize a sex toy party (for the entrepreneurially inclined) and we went over the rules of attending a sex party – we want to make sure you’re well excited, juiced up and ready to get into the swing of things. Maybe you’ve been to some clubs and didn’t find them to be your ‘scene’, or maybe you’ve met some friends in the scene and would like to organize something more intimate but you’re just not sure how to go about it. Well, fear not, Lola’s here. And Lola’s brought help. Once again I talk to Manuel Lara who has not only thrown his share of high-end swinger parties but also founded SwingLiving, a popular, by-invitation-only Latin American swinger site. Together we sit down and lay all down for you.

First of all, we have to understand why people throw private swinger parties. Yes, some might start out thinking they will make money, but by far it seems that the people who throw parties are actively passionate about the lifestyle. Why would one throw a party instead of just heading to a club? Because this way they control the environment and the guest-list. When you go to a club, the rules and the environment are set. And the people you’ll meet are random. If you organize a private party, you can select where to do it, how to do it, and who will attend. You select what kind of party you want it to be, whether people will wear costumes, if they will be screened, if they are allowed to bring friends – basically anything you want.

If you’re just beginning to get into the scene, obviously my advice is to get out and hit some parties that are already happening. After some time one might get the idea that one wants a certain type of party, or to have certain types of guests attend. This is when the private swinger party comes in.

What kind of party should I have?

This is the fun part. At a private party, while the goal is to end up having sex, sometimes certain parties are more for meeting other couples and then heading off and partying elsewhere in private. Not everyone likes to fuck in public or in groups. And it is notoriously hard to have private space in a party, even if you go into a room and shut the door (it’s rare that these doors have locks). There’s always a lot of asking for space from onlookers. I’ve been to a party where there is a strict non-voyeur rule. So there’s no going into the playroom and standing there staring at others. Perhaps this is something you might want to put in place for your party. We’re going to go over some other points that you might want to consider.

Are people allowed to come single?

Swinger parties are usually for couples and while single women will most probably get pulled into a sexy threesome, single men for the most part find it hard unless it is a cuckold party. You don’t want a lot of unhappy standing around, or a bunch of men approaching couples making them uncomfortable. The eco-system at a swinger party is delicate. Many times couples are new and curious and want to dip their toes in slowly. So you want the situation to be casual and without pressure. I know it sounds harsh, but limiting single men is usually a good idea, unless they come via a recommendation. Later on, when you get your groove at throwing parties, you can open the gates more.

How many people do you want?

Your party can be an intimate gathering of less than 10 couples (try to shoot for at least 5 couples so that would make 10 people. This way people can mingle around a little. Or do you want to have a full on ‘party’ with as many people as you can fit under the roof? This will affect where you decide to throw the party.

Is this for profit or does everyone split the cost?

Throwing a party doesn’t come cheap. There are a lot of costs to think about, especially if you want the party to be fun and different. If you’re having something small and intimate, perhaps guests can help chip in with the cost – or if you want to go big, you carry the cost yourself. Perhaps it’ll be at your own home, so the cost will just be some food and drinks. Or maybe you want a big party and have people just pay for entrance and for their drinks. People usually pay cash at the door, although some parties require you to book by paying the cover beforehand (via PayPal for example). Just because you’re charging doesn’t mean that you’ll be making tons of money either. Sometimes you’ll just break even. So if you think that your first party will make you the big bucks, take it easy. It might not. But the cost is always good to think about.

Where will people play?

Most parties have private rooms with big beds that people can go to if they want some privacy to play. I’ve also been to a party where there is only one big playroom and everyone piles in and gets to their ‘private’ corner to play. BTW, play is what many people call fucking in these parties. Because at the end of the day, it is all playing, isn’t it? Anyway, where you choose to have the party dictates where people get to play. If you have it home, then some of your rooms need to be open to play in, as well as maybe your sofa, and other items of furniture and so on. If you rent a space, then you might need to bring in mattresses and make a private play area. If you have a hotel suite, then it’ll be the rooms there.

What are the rules at the party?

We’ve gone through the basic rules at a party, but you need to be clear what kind of rules you want to set at yours. A good one to have is, no photographs or videos. This is especially important because no one wants their photo spread around, even accidentally. So to make sure people feel safe, it is better to ban all capture devices, and yes that includes mobile phones. If this is your rule, then you should strictly enforce it too, because it is so easy to bring out your phone to snap a photo. I personally never go to a party that doesn’t have this rule. Another good one is to enforce a consent rule – yes means yes, no means no, maybe means no and no reply means no. You want people to feel safe at your parties. Not many parties have this rule, but some do. No voyeuring. Some people aren’t into it. But whether or not you enforce this is up to you.

What are the basics of organizing this party that people need to know?

Logistics: You need some good music (what this means depends a lot on the crowd and culture, and the type of party), some alcohol (but not too much), places for people to play (beds, mattresses, etc.), condoms (although sometimes each couple brings their own), and maybe some food to recharge batteries afterwards. Of course, you need a private place where you won’t be bothered or where strangers may sneak in.

Guest-list: The guest-list is critical in a party like this. Depending on the number of guests, you’ll want to be pickier in terms of how much they’ll like each other. What I mean with that is that if you’re going to host 45 couples, you can’t have 15 young couples, 15 older couples and 15 much older couples, since everyone will have a group of their own age group. It’s always best if the whole guest-list is of a similar “demographic” (age, attractiveness, education, etc.), but that gets harder the bigger the list gets. But it is important when we’re talking about a small party (<20 couples), and essential if it’s a small gathering (<10 couples). Ideally, you should know everyone beforehand, or at least everyone should come recommended by someone you know. You don’t want people causing trouble or creating drama in the party (although the latter happens sometimes).

How to conduct the party: This is also tricky and important, and there aren’t really any set rules on how to do this. Basically, you want to maximize the amount of fun everyone has. As the host, it’s your job to introduce people, create an environment that’s inviting, sexy and comfy. Gather guests that will like what you did and who you invited, and who aren’t all new. When everyone’s new, probably nothing will happen. It’s OK to have some beginners, though. The music also needs to go along with the mood of the party: you can’t have pumping music when people are arriving and want to talk and mingle, etc. Conducting a party to success is more of an art than a science. Also sometimes everyone has lots of fun, sometimes it’s a very quiet one, despite your efforts.

How do you find guests to invite? Who to invite?

Well, inviting random people who you don’t know should be a no-no (for the most part). Most organizers use their own network of friends and acquaintances and then open the invitation to friends of friends. Ultimately you can also use swinger sites, since they allow you to filter and screen profiles before you invite them. Just make sure that whomever you invite knows beforehand that this is going to be a swinger party. You don’t want to surprise unsuspecting couples.

What about drinks?

You should aim for quality rather than quantity. Ideally, you’d ask your guests beforehand what they drink to make sure you cover everyone’s taste, within reason. If not, aim for a selection of high quality spirits, as well as soda, and some beer and wine. Stocking Red Bull is also a good idea. For the most part, getting really drunk at a party is a big no-no. Many times you will be asked to leave if you get too drunk and start bothering other guests. So keep this in mind.

What else should the host prepare?

Depending on the party there could be other things to prepare. For example if your guests are able to use a pool or jacuzzi, maybe it’s a good idea to have towels available. If they’re able to shower at the venue, also shampoo and shower gel. Chewing gum is also a good thing to provide, as well as lubricant. Some party organizers even have special sexy shows to build the mood. Or you can just keep it simple and have guests bring what they need. Always stress on bringing condoms, especially if you don’t provide any. Safety should be your utmost concern.

Where do you organize the party?

The venue is always of the trickiest things to secure, unless you’re doing something small; then your own house will do. The usual suspects are someone’s house, a hotel suite (make sure before that you can fit X people, and know the noise policy), a rented house on AirBnb, a swinger club (although this loses the “special” feel to it, as they open every weekend), or a regular nightclub (but this ones usually lack some of the logistics required).

Anything else?

It’s always a good idea before the party to send an email with the rules, which usually include (but of course are up to you) things like:

safe sex is a must

no photographs allowed

the need to book your ticket before the event

consent and respect are a must

don’t get too drunk

at any time you may be asked to leave or won’t be allowed in, at the host’s discretion, etc.

This might sound like a lot of work, but if done right, it is quite a night to remember. I’ve known organizers who have been throwing these parties for over 10 years purely for the joy of the lifestyle. Many of these couples become friends outside the scene. And of course there is also the fun and freedom that each party brings. Either way, I hope this little guide will help you with your next party. Let me know how it goes!