Dee-dooo-diddle-um

Pa-pa-pa-pom, Pa-pa-pa-pom, Pa-pa-pa-pom, Pa-pa-pum

Etc.…

SPOILERS AHEAD

Episode seven of this season’s Game of Thrones, Mockingbird, was one of those quieter episodes – catching up with incidental story lines, placing characters like pieces on a board ready for the oncoming twists and gambits, that sort of thing – that benefit from the inclusion of a couple of major shockers. And what a good couple of shockers they were.

So, this week, in King’s Landing, brothers Jaime and are Tyrion having a good old chinwag in Tyrion’s cell. Tyrion is still looking for a champion. Jaime can’t do it because he’s no good with his left hand and Tyrion’s old mate Bronn won’t fight Cersei’s champion – a brutal giant called ‘the Mountain’ who enjoys disemboweling opponents – because it’s just too dangerous. Still, not all is lost. I’ll tell you why in a bit.

The parallel journeys of Arya and the Hound and Brienne and Podrick continue, with each pair bonding more and more with every step. My friend thought the whole thing about the Hound opening up to Arya about his brother was a bit cheesy and possibly too rushed as a way of putting across the burgeoning bond between the two. I disagree. It has to happen one way or another and this is as good a way as any other. The Hound is softening towards Arya… how could he not? So get used to it! As for Brienne and Podrick, they’re some way off from having some really weird sex just yet, but hell, who knows? In the meantime, their quest for Sansa continues. They also learn that Arya is still alive and traveling with the Hound.

Speaking of Sansa, boy, that girl finds herself in some crappy situations. At the Eyrie, she finds herself on the receiving end of two temper tantrums: one from nut-boy Lord Robin, who gets a slap for his troubles; the other comes from a pissed off Lysa, who had seen Sanda getting a kiss from her new hubby Petyr Baelish. She’s just about to shove Sanda to her death through the Moon Door when Petyr enters the chamber and stops her. He then tells Lysa that he only ever really loved her sister and then – OH MY GOD! – shoves her through the Moon Door instead, doomed by the forces of narrative justice to be liquidized on the rocks below. So now, he’s Lord of the Eyrie. Hmm… a Petyr Baelish with Power is going to be an interesting prospect. What part Sansa will play in Petyr’s plans is yet to be seen, but I have a feeling she’ll become an all-too-willing agent.

Elsewhere, in Meereen, Daenerys is taking some time off from slaying to do a little bit of laying instead, bumping bits with Daario (a lover AND a fighter); while in Dragonstone, an in-the-buff Melisandre (remember her?) is having a bit of a talk with Queen Selyse about potions and illusions – knowing women talking of knowing women’s ways, perhaps – and how Selyse’s daughter Shireen is needed for whatever plans Melisandre and the Lord of Light have in store. The kid’s an interesting character so I’m looking forward to finding out what part she has to play. Oh and at the Wall, Jon’s can’t keep his puppy indoors.

Finally, back to Tyrion – of course, always back to Tyrion – who is visited in his cell by Oberyn Martell. Oberyn tells a tale of visiting the Lannisters as a boy and being invited to see Tyrion – the ‘Lannister Monster’ – by Cersei, who blames Tyrion for her mother’s death. She squeezes Tyrion’s tiny man bits hard until Jaime stops her. Tyrion weeps a little at this… but that’s not the important bit. What’s important is that both Oberyn and Tyrion have something in common… they both seek justice… and to some degree they have both been wronged by the same people. Thus Oberyn – pom-pom-paaaaaah – offers himself as Tyrion’s champion for the upcoming trial by combat. Yes, that’s right, that’s what I said… Oberyn is Tyrion’s champion!

Hot damn! Just three more episodes to go this season. Of course, as we all know from having watched season 3, that’s still plenty of time for a whole bunch of people to die horribly. As long as it’s not Tyrion. Please, Lord, don’t let it be Tyrion…