Look, we’re not ones to pass judgement on how people get their rocks off. Hell, if there was only one way to go about masturbation, our product catalogue would be a little thin and a lot boring. But, that being said, people have put some awfully weird stuff in and around their junk when trying to get off.

We’re going to focus on some of the more unusual ways people masturbate, that nevertheless are probably a lot more common than people care to admit. In fact, if we were confident statisticians, we would go ahead say that 1/5 people masturbate in one of these ways. Think about that completely made up fact next time you are deciding which of you at the table is buying the next round.

Cushion Humping

Not just for the adorable kid you babysit to scar you with, using cushions to masturbate is one of the first ways many women start self-pleasuring.  That being said, it’s not like men don’t ever ride the pillow pony express. Pillow-humping makes sense if you think about it, because they’re right there when you go to bed, and when you hit your teen years, your mom is going to bug you about washing your pillowcases more often anyway because it’s good for your disgusting, acne-riddled face.

*If you snubbed your pillow for a particularly cotton batting-endowed bear, congratulations on your refined taste, but a stuffed animal is just a pillow with a face.

Food Fucking

Yes, we all saw The Pie Scene… even if your mom was super uncool and never let you see the movie and when you were finally old enough all your friends had seen in 100 times so they wouldn’t watch it with you…

The point is, if you get a group of young men drunk enough at least of them is going to cop to having put their penis in something that was meant to be eaten. Whether their penchant for cannelloni canoodling extended past a few youthful experiments is probably less likely, if only because most college students eventually start spending as little money on food as possible in favor of beer, which is much harder to have relations with.

Shower Heads

Again, using a shower head, water flowing from tap or the jets of a spa to get off is not that unusual. You can even buy sex toys that go in your bath tub just to shoot bubbles at your bits. I mean, at PicoBong we just choose just to make all products waterproof, but hey, chase your bliss.

In the midst of adolescence, when ‘every 20 minutes’ seemed like an appropriate time to get your rocks off, we also fooled ourselves into thinking that was a plausible frequency for taking a shower. If you still think your parents were none the wiser when it came to your sudden interest in hygiene, trust us, they knew

Sleep Wanking

Also known as ‘sexsomnia’ engaging in sexual behavior while sleeping falls under the broader category of parasomnia, which are unusual movements or emotions that usually happen as you move between sleep stages.

Sexsomnia isn’t well understood but there is increasing awareness as the topic has been handled in pop culture, as well as criminal cases as a defense for sexual assault. Just like sleep walking or sleep talking, it can be hard to understand, or even believe, that the person doing it has no idea what’s happening and will not remember it in the morning. A sleep specialist may be able to help, but currently there are no standard treatments available.

Most sufferers (or more accurately, their partners) just sleep in another room or put some ear plugs in.

Mental-gasms

‘Thinking off’ isn’t just using your imagination instead of watching porn. Rather, it refers to using your brain to get yourself off without any physical contact.

Sound a little hippy-dippy? While one of the most well-known teachers of this art (and licensed sexologist), Barbara Carrellas, focuses on ‘erotic breath work and energy orgasms’. The concept has been backed up by the work of Rutgers professor, Dr Barry Komisaruk. His studies on the subject using MRIs showed that the part of the brain that light up when we masturbate also light up while people are thinking themselves off.

You can find tantric sex classes to help you achieve this or try it on your own; the keys are relaxation and focus. We… uh… heard from a friend that indulging in a certain controlled substance (currently legal in a handful of American states) can help you achieve a mental orgasm.

So there you go. Been worried that your masturbatory method isn’t normal? Really, the word ‘normal’ is subjective to the point of uselessness. When it comes to sex, pleasure, intimacy and particularly masturbation, ‘normal’ is nothing more than a statistical abstraction.

Are these acts how 90% of folks get their jollies? Probably not, but they’re a lot more common than you think. If you’ve never tried any of these, well maybe you’re a quick shower or quiet think away from the best orgasm of your life.