It’s no secret that I don’t love online dating nor do I know anyone who does. Yet, everyone has a Tinder account. Ever run into your ex on Tinder? That’s real fun. I, too, am on Tinder because you gotta play the game, right? I’m not necessarily looking for just a hookup, but I’m not not looking for one. So that means that I can be somewhat flexible with my left swipes, while still keeping an eye on the prize. The prize being, in the most optimistic view of things, a “real” relationship. I just left a very real but very wrong relationship recently and I don’t want to waste any more time. So, newly back on the Tinder, I had my first online date in over a year.
From his photos, he looked like your typical Brooklyn hipster except that he lived in Queens. I don’t know which is worse, to be honest. I never go to Queens. Most people I know don’t go to Queens. Can I date a guy who lives in Queens? Honestly, I’m not so sure. He sported a hint of a pompadour and learned to shave at The Brandon Flowers School of Manscaping.
He texted me he was late just as I was nearing the end of my first Manhattan. At the same time, my Semi-Platonic Guy Friend texted me from a nearby bar. I do believe that how my Tinder date went can best be described primarily through my texts with my friend.
9:16PM
Semi-Platonic Guy Friend: What are you doing?
Me: Waiting for a date to show up
SPGF: Come meet me
Me: He’s not even here yet
SPGF: ….
Me: Ok, lemme see what he’s like then I’ll come over and give you a handy
SPGF: Haha
SPGF: Srsly?
Me: Kidding. No handy. Just finger blasting.
Me: He’s here
SPGF: Godammit
My Tinder date looked Eastern European, and, sure enough, when he walked in the bar and introduced himself, he had a thick Hungarian accent. His English was perfect, but the accent took some getting used to.
10:16PM
SPGF: If you wanna come over and bring a bottle of Bourbon lemme know
Me: Ha
SPGF: I’m serious
Me: I know.
SPGF: How’s the date?
Me: He’s wearing shorts
SPGF: Let’s listen to LPs and get wasted
Me: Ok
SPGF: !!!!
10:50PM
SPGF: What’s happening now? I’m going to another bar
Me: Ugh
SPGF: Come
Me: I’m having one more round with this guy
SPGF: Is he hot? If not I’ll send a taxi for you
Me: Cute. No sexual chemistry
Me: You probably don’t wanna hang out with me anyway
SPGF: Oh I do
Me: I didn’t shave my legs cuz I knew I wasn’t gonna like this guy
SPGF: Haha
Me: Omg did you just say if he’s not hot you’ll send me a taxi?
SPGF: Haha
SPGF: If you meet me I am going to make moves FYI
My date talked a lot. I was at the end of my third drink before he was halfway through his first. Why do I always unwittingly end up meeting overwhelmingly loquacious men?
12:28AM
Me: He talks so much!
SPGF: Are you still there??
Me: Just said goodbye. Walking home.
SPGF: Did you make out?
Me: No. Double kiss. European
SPGF: Second date?
Me: Yeah, maybe. Why not? I’d probably fuck him
SPGF: Cool. I’m awake. I am sending you a taxi now.
