Henry Deltoid's Beer Review: 3 Floyds Blackheart

My neighbors 35 miles away in Munster, Indiana, have knocked another one right out of the park and smack dab in the middle of my IPA glass. 3 Floyds Brewery is a team of true beer artisans. If beer could be compared to sex toys, 3 Floyds would be the Abyss Creations of the fuckable rubber toy industry. I guess I should clarify that a little bit… of the intentionally fuckable rubber toy industry (excuse me, but did you see the way that chicken was staring at me?). There is one exception to that: 3 Floyds’ brews are very affordable. Did you know those Realdolls run UAS$5,000 or more? Holy shit! I guess that’s a lot cheaper than an engagement ring, and she won’t particularly care if you leave the toilet seat up or ejaculate in her face while she is sleeping.

English IPAs tend to be malt heavy, focusing more on profiles commonly found in old ales, and putting the hops in the passenger seat until the aftertaste kicks in. It is because of this that Blackheart is not bitter for an IPA with an IBU of 78… at least, not for a while after the gulping is complete. And just like mounting a Realdoll every night before rolling over and going to sleep, there isn’t a thing in the world wrong with that lack of hoppy bitterness (although sleeping with a Realdoll is a tad creepy to me).

Henry Deltoid's Beer Review: 3 Floyds Blackheart

Blackheart pours a dark orange/gold, and is slightly hazy. Its head is off-white, thick, uneven, and creamy. The aroma is surprisingly weak, and touches the olfactory senses gently with caramel, roses, and soap. The aroma is fantastic but too faint, unfortunately. So, overall the presentation is pleasing but nothing exciting or unique. There’s very little foreplay there. But when you start to sip, your brewogenous zone is vehemently stimulated with beer flavor bliss. Up front it tastes of booze, caramel, smoked oak, and malt. It blossoms into a juicy citrus and flowery hoppy taste, and finishes with peppercorn and more pungent flowers. After it settles, your throat becomes warm, and a soapy better aftertaste gently encapsulates the tongue. About 5 minutes later the strong flavor of hops takes the mic away from all the other profiles and starts to sing like a drunken uncle at a wedding, with a creepy mustache who just got finished groping the maid of honor. If you had been pacing yourself then your second pint from the Bomber bottle will have a thick layer of bitterness to enhance all the other profiles and notes.

The texture is simply average, with no distinguishing characteristic. The lacing is fairly thick with plenty of soapy splotches clinging to the glass. It isn’t as carbonated and creamy as other IPAs, but still I have no formal complaints. Like my Italian provolone pole, pumping furiously at the face of a Realdoll, Blackheart leaves a stickiness behind. The Realdoll doesn’t really have a say in that, though, but I do. I don’t really like that stickiness.

This is not your typical IPA. The sweet, malty, caramel, burnt oak flavor hits hard, and then it changes its stripes to a robust, flowery, peppery, bitterness. This is a superb IPA and I look forward to drinking it again. So should you.

3 Floyds “Blackheart”

English Style IPA

8.5% ABV

78 IBU

Style: 9/10

Overall: 9 /10

The Deltoid has spoken.

PS. I don’t have a Realdoll. I haven’t even ever seen one. Although I will admit… if someone placed one in front of me, I’d nail it like framing lumber.

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