Henry Deltoid's Beer Review: Knee Deep Simtra

Today sadly ends an era of beer drinking joy, my friends. This constitutes the 5th and final brew review of the delightful hoppy treats with which Dr. Stefon has blessed me. It is also with great pleasure that I report to you that this beer is not only the best of the selection he sent me but also one of the best IPAs I have ever had. Like last week’s review for Hop Shortage, this one is also about an IPA by Knee Deep Brewing from Lincoln, California. It is listed as Hop Shortage’s “cousin”. Hop Shortage is made with Centennial and Chinook hops, and Simtra is made with Sincoe and Citra hops. This one is actually slightly better in my opinion than the Hop Shortage. But that is merely due to how my taste buds react to it. And by “how they react to it” I mean how they each stand up, sprout a tiny little erection, and ejaculate in my mouth.

As a reader of this review, your mission is simple: first, finish reading this and second, go to the nearest spirit shop that sells Knee Deep Brewing’s products and buy some of their IPAs. For extra credit, lather your palms in baby oil and squeeze Dr. Stefon’s toothpaste out tomorrow morning so his wife can sleep in for an additional 63 seconds.

I love the pour of these imperial IPA’s. The liquid is the color of dull honey, and appears syrupy and glutinous because the CO2 slowly builds and rises up toward the top of the glass like magma from an angry volcano. It reminds me of the old days of dial-up internet, when in my dorm room in college I would wait in horny and nervous anticipation for that image of Jenny McCarthy, topless, to fully materialize. “COME ON! GET TO THE TITS! THE CANS! THE FUCKING JUGS!!! AAAhhhh… BOOOOOOOBIES…”

Henry Deltoid's Beer Review: Knee Deep Simtra

The aroma isn’t too strong here, but it is sharp with pine needles and orange peel. The bone white head isn’t too thick, but it’s creamy and endearing with a bubbly topping. Its flavor is simple, but stellar. Up front it has toffee, caramel, and hits with an acidic bitterness on the sides of the tongue. It finishes with a piney bitterness and as an odd (but delightful) component, the flavor of milk. The taste of alcohol is a gentle whisper, and the aftertaste consists of bitter oats, piney hops, and deep into it a trace of vanilla wafer cookies. It has a refreshing and hearty aftertaste that kicks an incalculable amount of ass.

The texture is characterized by plenty of prickly CO2 and cream. The lacing is a moderate amount of foamy splotches around the glass, and when the drink is done the glass looks like the aftermath of a brutal bludgeoning of the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man.

Simtra is shockingly not as bitter as I figured it would be at 131 IBU. But it is very hoppy. This is the hop bukkake that Dogfish Head 120 wants to be (I will review 120 in the future). There is no complexity here; it isn’t a fireworks show of profiles, but it is awesome. With its intensity and mucilaginous texture, it reminded me of the Founders Devil Dancer. So, upon completion I went into my wine fridge and cracked open an 18-month-old bottle of Devil Dancer. I then realized that an aged Devil Dancer is an entirely different chapter in beer drinking. I’m not going to attempt to get into that one here, because I can’t even think about that without being consumed with the desire to put on a Wankband and bring power to the entire fucking continent.

Knee Deep Brewing Simtra

Triple India Pale Ale

ABV: 11.25%

IBU: 131

Style: 10/10

Overall: 10/10

The Deltoid has spoken.

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