Improve Your Body At Home!

Along with its billion other benefits, the Internet has a rich ore of remedies to the strife and suffering that comes with wanting to go to the gym and subsequently finding every single reason to rescind that desire. The gym is a sweaty, smelly, oddly factory-esque shame parade, and shelling out duckets to endure the awkwardness that comes with failing at pumping iron can be avoided. Thanks to YouTube and humanity’s need to blog, the gym can be a distant memory, as well as sobbing over your miserable excuse for a body.

Home workouts are a fantastic resource for any type of physical (and mental) improvement. Whether you want idiotically large muscles, or the streamlined body of a discount Olympic hurdler, home workouts are capable of giving you the husk you’ll enjoy seeing in the mirror.

For a basic improvement, try the 7-Minute workout that, apparently, science has proved awesome. The New York Times published a piece proving the veracity of the workout, and sly commenters reminded people to repeat the workout at least once for legit results. I’ve tried this particular routine on a number of occasions, and it basically nullifies any excuse ever regarding working out. Check out the handy timer brought to you by app developer David Smit, which brings you through the entire thing.

For a bit more insanity, I’m partial to the videos published by Zeus Fitness. Their YouTube channel has everything from specific kettlebell workouts to 20ish-minute fat-burning body cyclones that make you feel like you’ve just tried to reverse the gravity of a small planet. Grant Davison, the head trainer, is highly motivating on screen; he’s the kind of trainer that tells you just how good you’re doing every single rep (mostly because he can’t see you, probably). Zeus Fitness is a winner.

A more recent find of mine is a YouTube Channel called Davey Wavey Fitness, where a trainer named Davey Wavey (?) charmingly brings you through lots of specific, sometimes hellishly difficult, exercises you can do at home and around town. He’s exceedingly friendly on camera, is a little more creative with his videography than other trainers (not that it matters, but it’s the little things), and makes you want to get your hands dirty. And if personality helps you along in your quest for a less shameful shape, try the 3 minute plank challenge from the Lean Machines. It’s insane.

Now, if your exercise target is sexually charged (basically, you want to have a male porn star physique), there’s many resources for that too, a lot of which can be implemented using minimal equipment. James Deen published an interview in GQ last year and spoke about how he keeps in shape, and while there was little workout-related content, he cited his “stunt sex” style of on-camera lovemaking as helpful. So, normal sex-havers, it’s likely you’ll have to actually work out in addition to sex to be in shape. But Deen did also wax lyrical about fruits, vegetables, and proteins before carbs, so there’s that whole diet thing for you. An impressive human casing also depends on diet, so no more Big Macs or cheese puffs.

The magazine Details published a great piece, using a short routine taken from an interview with Andy Troy. It involves slower push-ups, speed squats (always check with a guru about how to do a safe squat), crazy bicep curls, bridges, and a stretch for the lower back. While this set of five exercises doesn’t constitute a full workout, it can (and should) be added to your 7 minute hell or whichever home routine you want, especially if you’re trying to bring down the hammer of Thor (never use that actual phraseology) in the bedroom.

There’s no excuse for being a miserable porpoise confined to a computer chair, especially when the cost of all this is a yoga mat, 10-20 minutes of time, maybe a free weight, and discipline. If you need help finding discipline, just tell yourself that it’ll make for better lovemaking. That, or you don’t get that bacon sandwich until your third superset. Whatever suits your bodybuilding needs.

Or just go for a fucking jog.

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