Top image by Gil C /

In a rare interview with Hugh Grant, the current CEO of chemical and seed giant Monsanto, revealed that Michael Pollan, the author of The Omnivore’s Dilemma and Food Rules, has been secretly in command of the agribusiness company for many years. “I’m just the charisma,” Grant commented, “Mr. Pollan has been making the calls since 1996 when we singlehandedly destroyed any chance of biodiversity forever.”

An Associated Press writer who has since disappeared confirmed this allegation after posing as a student at the University of California at Berkeley. The writer in question, wearing a “Meat is Murder” t-shirt and brandishing two fair trade lattes, one for himself and one for Mr. Pollan, got the writer and professor of journalism to reveal his hidden leadership of Monsanto.

Michael Pollan, secret evil overlord of GM behemoth Monsanto, hides behind a deceptively personable smile.

“It’s all a clever scheme, young man,” chuckled Pollan into a tape recorder left in a manila folder at the front door of our press office. “Our new, better Earth will thank me for sowing distrust among the foodie liberals.” Pollan, who has led the charge in sustainable foods, local products, and organic gardening, may be the most brilliant evil villain of all time, having over intellectualized food, invited feminist discourse into the mix, and reminded us that eating healthy is a “responsibility.”

“Who actually wants to take responsibility for what they put into their bodies. So much work!” Pollan said to the AP writer – search parties continue to be at a loss to his or her location.

If you read Pollan’s Omnivore’s Dilemma backwards, you can find the key to breaking down the molecular structure of all life

“He’s a mad genius,” said Barbara Kingsolver, the writer of Animal, Vegetable, Miracle. “Now that all the intellectuals and liberals are talking endlessly about food, they don’t have the time to notice all the experiments Monsanto is actually doing.” Kingsolver, also the celebrated novelist behind The Poisonwood Bible, revealed a hidden trove of organic produce and munitions against what some, including Morgan Spurlock (Supersize Me), have described as “that secret clone army Monsanto is probably creating.”

A detailed analysis of Pollan’s work is underway, but some experts have already uncovered substantial evidence to support Grant and others’ allegations about him. Professor Higgins Caldwell of the University of Massachusetts Cambridge has suggested that if you read The Omnivore’s Dilemma backward, there’s a hidden message that, very simplified, reads, “Republican Brothers! The gods of maize have spoken, and we’re to be the harbingers of a new, high fructose world!” Caldwell was also quoted as saying, “there’s a recipe hidden in there for an arc made entirely of genetically-modified bacon.”

Before this evidence was uncovered, Pollan was lauded as one of the most important figures in many different food movements, many of them focusing on local and organic ideologies. Eric Schlosser, the author of Fast Food Nation, as well as a colleague and friend of Pollan’s for many years, had nothing but positive things to say about his foodie compatriot, apparently refusing to believe the allegations brought against Pollan. According to Schlosser, Pollan is too moral to churn out GMOs and lay waste to the biodiversity of the planet.

Michael Pollan’s terrifying vision of the fruit of the future.

“Poor guy, Pollan’s probably got him firmly in his soil-covered fingers,” commented Kingsolver, clutching a handcrafted rifle made from wood harvested from a tree she allegedly planted herself. “Like many individuals, he probably wants to be seen agreeing with Michael’s ideas, as they do sound rather scrumptious and,” she winked at me, “deceptively simple.”

Pollan himself hasn’t been available for comment, and one of our seasoned reporters, who chooses to remain anonymous, returned from his California home shaking uncontrollably and repeating the phrase, “The garden! The garden!” The reporter has been hospitalized and psychoanalysts suggest he’s suffering from some sort of pharmacological hallucinations.

“We didn’t think sentry marijuana plants were even possible,” said Dr. Rathbone of St. Vincent’s Hospital in New Jersey. “Monsanto’s got to stop this madness!”

Pollan’s latest book, Cooked, is available at all major book retailers, and analysts urge people to look for secret messages about Monsanto’s plans for world domination.

“Pollan came in recently to check in on us,” said Grant, visibly afraid. “He’s quite a scary guy. Humanity is at his mercy. Here’s to hoping no one ever finds out that he’s the actual Burger King.”

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