Sex and Bacon!

Every human’s two irrefutably favorite things are sex and bacon. Both are delicious, greasy, and alter your body chemistry in awesome ways, but one is far healthier than the other. Sex has been reported by many science studies to be beneficial in terms of mental and physical health; anything that makes more humans is evolutionarily poised to be good for us, I’d wager, even if that outcome isn’t our most favorite all the time. And bacon is disgustingly tasty. In a perfect world, everyone would have piles of bacon and piles of sex.

However, health professionals have railed about how bacon is stupid terrible for you, as it’s filled with cholesterol and fat and other amazing things. And sex relies on a healthy body for maximum fun times, which manifests in a terrible choice: sex or bacon? It’s possible to have both, but be wary, says science.

Michael Castleman at Men’s Fitness highlights the fact that bacon clogs arteries, and, wouldn’t you know it, there are lil’ arteries in the wang that can get clogged, leading to erectile dysfunction. He brings up the legend that munching on hearty steaks, burgers, and bacon makes you all manly, but how manly can you be if all that delicious meat is directly contributing to a softer sex life? This depends, of course, on what you believes makes you a man; for me, it’s battleaxes. Educate yourselves by reading the entire article, but prepare to be heartbroken over the possible loss of barbecue glory.

Also, if you’re trying to utilize your sex havings for making smaller humans that’ll demolish your savings account, know that bacon (and other processed meat) consumption can lead to a lower sperm count. Really, this is not only about bacon, but out of all the processed meats, bacon is the most glorious, but also one of the least healthy. It’ll destroy your sperms and flood your flabby husk with sodium, which is definitely not good for being an attractive specimen. The Huffington Post article, “9 Unfortunate Truths About Juicy, Scrumptious Bacon,” by Renee Jacques, crushes all bacon lovers’ dreams with these findings and others, but charmingly brings up that even with the drawbacks of bacon, it’s still stupid damn tasty.

Fortunately for every bacon addict, the science is wonky–all food science is a bit strange, in fact, but thanks to how news functions, people get all hyped up about stuff before it’s proven definitively (which won’t ever happen ever). Men’s Health tried to show how weak the link between bacon and processed meats and fertility was, showing in the article, “Can Bacon Really Hurt Your Sperm?” by Dennis Watkins that there is no ironclad correlation. Scientists cited in this piece said it was permissible to chow down on four servings of tasty pig strips every week.

Also, Ken Swearengen of Health Wire posted an awesome list of ten reasons why bacon is an awesome food to munch on. While there is no mention of gettin’ down in this article, there is many a mention of the good proteins in bacon, and good proteins means ballin’ energy (says all the fitness articles I’ve read by reputable science/weightlifting enthusiasts… wait…). Swearengen brings up many points on how bacon is filled with good chemicals, and that’s awesome for pro-bacon folks, but unfortunately his final two points are just that bacon is delicious, and that’s merely culinary, not health/science based. Good reminder of how bacon is boss, though.

Finally, bacon is said to be addictive. A few years back, CNN published a piece by Sarah Klein about the addictive qualities of fatty foods. Basically, everyone was right all along: bacon is the cocaine of meats (and all foods). Also, according to many different blogs and such on the Internet, the scent of bacon may be an aphrodisiac, which I do hope is true for others (it’s certainly not true in my experience with female humans).

What we’re left with is an ongoing debate. Nutritional sciences have been pretty successful in revealing bacon as an addictive, unhealthy and fattening meat product, but it’s so damn scrumptious. More than being unhealthy, it can also contribute to flaccid sex having, and difficulty in creating more of you (if that’s what you want), and that’s a strike against it, especially because the perfect day involves eating bacon AND having sex (with a girl covered in bacon?). It’s up to you, Internet users, to design a diet that will also facilitate fantastic sex, but truly great booty may involve a large cut in your normal bacon consumption, and that bodes poorly for a world in which Epic Meal Time is bloody everywhere.

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