Down in the KFC Bucket Bunker, Anywhere, USA – but presumably Kentucky – the Colonel’s top minds are pow-wowing.
In reality, they have always lagged behind their greased-up contemporaries. The burger giants have always reigned supreme, and the likes of Pizza Hut and Dominos are just… well, better, aren’t they? For many – or certainly me, and that’s what counts – fried chicken is the last resort of fast food. It’s difficult to handle, greasier than a teenage forehead and there’s no way you can eat it with any real dignity; lest you end up looking like King Henry VIII dual-wielding this exercise in edible weaponry.
“It’s our 60th anniversary” booms the executive at the head of the table. “… in Canada” he says a little more quietly. “We need something big to commemorate this grand occasion. Something that will shake up this goddamn industry for good. We have to be at the cutting edge of tech and… chicken.” He lands a closed fist on to the table, but not too hard; it’s new and made of glass.
There’s a well of silence in the Bucket Bunker. Eventually a skinny arm is raised. It’s one of the new guys. Do they even pay him? No, probably not.
“How about… ” he ponders, this is his big moment. “How about… we take our traditional bucket and… ” now for a moment of madness “… we put a… bluetooth… printer on the bottom?”
Silence reigns once more.
“GENIUS!” roars the executive. Thy will be done.
Now I’m not saying I was actually *there* at that meeting. Nor would KFC confirm or deny whether this Bucket Bunker actually exists – probably – but there’s no other real logical way this could have gone down. Have we finally reached peak technology with this… monstrosity? A Frankensteined horrorshow that brings together battery-farmed, breadcrumb coated meat and an actual photo printer that you can access from your phone via Bluetooth.
This isn’t the first time KFC have deviated from the norm when it comes to gimmicky giveaways. In Japan – of course – customers were given a veritable gravy bowl of KFC-themed hardware and software, while their German stores handed out thin, rechargeable Bluetooth keyboards instead of the grease-paper you usually get. Why? Fuck knows, to be honest.
And so here we are with the Memories Bucket. Connect your phone, snap away and voila! Remember all those times you’ve sat in an identikit fast food restaurant and thought “holy shit I really need to savor this moment from now until forever.” One for the grandchildren, as they say.
But think of the possibilities, say, for the private eye business. Now your would-be gumshoe doesn’t have to hide behind a newspaper with eye holes cut out from the main page to tail his charge. Now he can munch away and snap happily in secrecy. The perfect disguise. It’s the Los Pollos Hermanos dream writ large.
… and – with this being BaDoink – we can’t help but wonder if there are any SexTech possibilities floating around here. Picture the scene: strip naked with your loved one, dole out the hot, plump delicious breasts before you indulge in some passionate lovemaking, take some intimate photos for you to pore over on those colder, lonelier nights and print them fresh from the Polaroid-esque oven.
All those delicious legs and breasts, photographed and kept for eternity. Although it may raise questions about whether or not KFC are keeping this in a centralized database.
Besides, KFC have been selling cock(erel)s by the millions for years, they’ve probably seen more than their fair share. Finger lickin’ good indeed…