Professional clothes horse and part-time beachball retailer Courtney Stodden surprised absolutely nobody with her latest attempt at autobiographical marketing after signing a $1m deal with Vivid Entertainment to release her own solo masturbation video.

The ‘star’ – who rose to ‘fame’ (lots of quotation marks in this one, sorry) after marrying 50-year-old Lost actor Doug Hutchison at the age of 16 – set pulses racing with the promise of a hardcore solo masturbation video. In a rare display of thinking of other people, Stodden also pledged to funnel the $1m to charity. So far, not bad… right?

Well… erm… not exactly. Vivid rush-released the film well ahead of schedule and the results leave a lot to be desired. Far from being either intimate or alluring, Stodden’s video is essentially just her melting ice cream between her ludicrously-sized fake funbags and slathering sprinkles all over them. Titty sprinkles indeed.

The video runs for 75 minutes and with nothing of any note or importance occurring – unless you’re an ice cream fetishist – it’s an absolute shitshow from start to finish.

… and that – as they say – is that. Nothing more nothing less. A highlights package was uploaded to Gawker and comes with a NSFW warning owing to nudity. Honestly, you’re not missing much anyway. Some of the peanut gallery are looking forward to it anyway…

@CourtneyStodden going to buy your video tonight and beat the hell out of my dong

— Bob Sacamano (@OffenderInChief) May 15, 2015

Gawker went on to report that the rumored $1m was soon filtered down to a much less impressive $10,000. Could she have done this simply to get column inches and rejuvenate an already crappy brand? Perish the thought!

Of course, if she masturbates as well as she sings then maybe we’ve been spared a total nightmare after all…