According to research carried out here at BaDoink, looking at how people’s porn-surfing behavior is influenced by certain national holidays, there appeared to be a massive drop in people checking out porn on and around Valentine’s Day. Numbers began to tail off around two days before St. V and once more approached where they’d started two days after that.

So what could explain this drop? Do guys get too romantic to whack off on Valentine’s? Do they just not find the time because they’re obliged to spend so much of it with their wives and GFs? Is it guilt? Is it fear that Janine might ask awkward questions about how it was that Ted was only able to jizz a little bit on her nose instead of plastering her whole face the way she beg… Heck, you know what we mean, damn it.

Maybe all the hype and publicity, all the red heart-shaped helium balloons and festooned store fronts, all that pomp and Valentine’s paraphernalia designed to make you feel miserable if you’re single really worked, so that even if you didn’t have a girlfriend to shore up your man-milk for, you were simply too depressed to squirt seed because… well, because you didn’t have a girlfriend to shore up your man-milk for. If you’re not happy about singledom, then Valentine’s Day just rubs it in, so you can’t rub one out.

So what’s the solution? Well, assuming we need one – if only to stop those who don’t happen to be in a relationship feeling down – perhaps the adult industry could get their own Valentine’s Day campaign going. ‘Why not love yourself a little’ could be the slogan that gets the whole thing rolling in 2015. Or you could have, ‘You’re never alone with a screen and the (non-gender-specific) Palm twins!’ And, of course, the classic, ‘Say it with a box of chocolates’ can totally be reworked to ‘Say it with a box of tissues’ – the possibilities are endless.

And as for those who are in a relationship, why not share some adult fun with some his & hers erotica? We should never forget that sex goes hand in hand with love, so lets push that too… even if, for some, that means pushing it into your hand.

Enough with the shame already! It’s a modern world; we’re surrounded by sex and myriad gender types (just ask Facebook), so let’s embrace the naughty. Valentine’s is already almost unbearably saccharine as it is; it’s more than due an injection of good, healthy lust.

If you have any ideas for great adult-related Valentine’s messages or slogans – for singles or couples – then let us know in the comments below. Who knows; yours might become the catchphrase of a brand new generation of lovers… and self-lovers!