When it comes to sheer entertainment value, few things can match the paranoiac ramblings of a certifiable left-wing conspiracy nut – except, perhaps, the paranoiac ramblings of a certifiable right-wing conspiracy nut.

WND, formerly known as “World Net Daily,” describes itself as an “independent news company dedicated to uncompromising journalism, seeking truth and justice and revitalizing the role of the free press as a guardian of liberty.”

Be that as it may, the other thing WND is an awesome source of is nearly unparalleled right-wing lunacy. Don’t take my word, for it: Consider Exhibit A, a page of the WND website containing a post entitled “‘METAVERSE’ PORN: DANGER AHEAD.”

The post itself really isn’t as zany as I’d hoped, although it does have its moments – like this one… In reference to “virtual worlds” such as Second Life and Utherverse’s RedLightCenter, the post’s author, Phil Elmore, claims: “So sophisticated are these computer-generated environments that users are already tempted to forgo real life for their custom-built virtual dens.”

Really, Phil? People are tempted to “forgo real life” in favor of Second Life? This might be true of a truly engaged few, but I’ve played around in both Second Life and RedLightCenter a bit, and I found the notion of spending all my time therein about as tempting as the idea of getting a purely recreational root canal.

Now, once these technologies reach a point where they are able to mimic the “holodeck” from Star Trek (which Elmore predicts will “shut down” society) and generate an experience which truly mimics real, physical sex, I might be singing a different tune, but for now, I think I’d prefer to just get laid for real, thanks… yes, even if this means sleeping with my actual husband. (Desperate, I know, but what else is a girl without a holodeck to do?)

Still, the real paranoia party on this particular page isn’t to be found in the article, but in the ads displayed adjacent to the article. The ads are served dynamically, so you might have to reload the page a few times to reveal the very best ones – but it’s soooooo worth the time and effort, believe me.

The first to catch my eye warned of an impending food shortage so imminent, I owed it to myself and to my family to watch the stunning, frightening video that rips the lid right off a terrifying FEMA conspiracy to steal our food nation’s food supply and starve us all. (Or to starve all God-fearing non-liberals, at least.)

It’s crucial I order my stockpile of Survival Food from Food 4 Patriots TODAY, the video tells me, because time is about to run out.

“Just a few days ago, FEMA went directly to my supplier and tried to buy up my ENTIRE stockpile of high-quality survival food,” says the voice of an unidentified male, presumably one of the Food 4 Patriots owners, judging by some of his subsequent comments. “It sounds crazy, but I’ll show you the exact letter they sent in a minute. Revealing FEMA’s plot could land me in hot water, but I think you deserve to know exactly what they’re doing.”

Of course, the video makes no mention when it was made, so we don’t know how long ago “a few days ago” really is, at this point.

“If you leave this video, you risk losing your place in line,” the voice says, pointing out their products are distributed on a first-come, first-served basis. Plus, as has already been definitively established, FEMA is on the cusp of swooping in and stealing all the Food 4 Patriots, using a fleet of black helicopters they borrowed from the UN, perhaps.

The company’s blog does give some sense of how long the FEMA threat has been “imminent,” however: a post from 2011 warns: “Stockpile Food Now, Before it’s Too Late,” and references an executive order Obama signed in 2010.

Clearly, the only thing more alarming than an imminent threat which could hit within the next few days is an imminent threat which could hit within three days of now, regardless of when “now” is. In fact, I’m pretty sure it was this same logic which led George W. Bush to wisely remove the threat of Saddam Hussein before Saddam could take the time to build up the stockpiles of chemical weapons we were absolutely sure he already had.

Just in case you thought FEMA was the biggest threat to Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Survival Food, another ad displayed on WND addresses an even bigger issue: Solar flares… Or maybe it’s Electromagnetic Pulse bombs…. Or both.

In a three panel skyscraper ad, three separate ads-masquerading-as-articles call our attention to these perils of the confusing, modern, liberal-humanist-dominated world:

NASA’s Dire Warning: “What We Feared Most Will Come Upon Us. 13 Months to Get Ready.”

NASA to Preppers: “You’re Right. 13 Months Till D-Day.”

CIA Terrified: October “Event” Will Obliterate 3/4 of America.

If you’re wondering why you haven’t heard about these urgent concerns allegedly being trumpeted by NASA and the CIA, the man behind these warnings, Alec Deacon, has a simple explanation.

“A threat so powerful it will wipe out 281 million Americans in the first year,” Deacon says, “and while NASA, the CIA and the Pentagon are warning us like crazy, no mainstream TV or radio outlet is talking about it.”

Yes – because as we all know, the mainstream media is never interested in anything NASA, the CIA or the Pentagon has to say, particularly if it’s about something sensational and alarming. The media is particularly uninterested in CIA threat reporting, as evidenced by the total lack of articles written by the mainstream media about Iraqi WMD, prior to our military’s invasion of the country in 2003.

How does Alec Deacon know the country is about to be destroyed by an EMP (or, possibly, the even more frightening HEMP), and why should we believe him? Well, for starters, he’s the author of the best seller Backyard Liberty and editor of Survivopedia.com.

In other words, he’s an objective source of solid, well-sourced articles covering all the incredibly frightening reasons why you should buy his book, immediately.

One problem, though – Backyard Liberty doesn’t appear to be about solar flares, EMPs, shape-shifting reptilian aliens or Obama being from Kenya; how is it going to help me survive an EMP? (Also, does it happen to offer any advice on what to do if FEMA comes around, trying to steal my food?)

Don’t you worry, mon-freaked-out-frere, Alec Deacon has our backs: He has written a whole new book about the world-destroying threat of EMPs called Darkest Days: How To Survive An EMP Attack To The Grid.

Oh good; I was just starting to worry all this paranoid ranting wouldn’t terminate in an opportunity for me to buy something!

Compelling and persuasive as I might find their prognostications about the threats of food shortages, EMPs and Susan Sarandon, however, I just can’t bring myself to buy stockpiles of patriotic food or Apocalypse-avoidance books.

I mean seriously, what’s the point? As I understand it, soon I’ll be able to get everything I need from the holodeck, anyway.

Coleen Singer is a writer, photographer, film editor and all-around geeky gal at Sssh.com, where she often waxes eloquent about sex, porn, sex toys, censorship, the literary and pandering evils of Fifty Shades of Grey and other topics not likely to be found on the Pulitzer Prize shortlist. She is also the editor and curator of EroticScribes.com. When she is not doing all of the above, Singer is an amateur stock-car racer and enjoys modifying vintage 1970s cars for the racetrack. Oh, she also likes porn.