In response to some pretty high-profile and embarrassing reports about government workers whiling away the hours by indulging in extensive porn-watching, North Carolina Republican Congressman Mark Meadows has introduced legislation that would make it official federal law that government employees cannot watch porn at work.

While this might seem to some like a reasonable, even overdue, measure, it’s strange to me that a Republican of Meadow’s ilk is behind it. Sure, I understand that a lot of the most strenuously anti-porn people out there are both socially and politically conservative, but can’t Rep. Meadows see the bigger picture here – the one that doesn’t feature engorged genitalia and close-ups of full penetration?

One would think that Meadows, a Tea Party favorite who some see as the primary driving force behind the 2013 government shutdown, would quickly and clearly see all the benefits of government workers not working.

This isn’t the only recent legislation that Meadows has sponsored; another bill would make it a firing offense for federal employees to delete emails that are supposed to be preserved – an idea that flowed from the controversial (and quite possibly illegal) IRS investigation of the Tea Party and other right-wing activist groups. The bill would also “require that federal workers who use personal email accounts or other electronic communications like texts or instant messaging for official business ensure that the messages are kept for posterity,” as they put it on Citizen-Times.com.

I think Meadows is missing the forest of cocks for the single erect prick here; doesn’t he understand that if government workers are occupied by wanking to porn, this prevents them from doing things like investigating Tea Party finances, operating ill-advised “gun walking” operations, or naming journalists as co-conspirators in leaks of classified U.S. government information to North Korea?

As Ronald Reagan once noted, the nine scariest words a person can hear are “I’m from the government, and I’m here to help.” The words “I’m from the government, and I’m here to jack off like a crazed spider monkey instead of doing my job” should be music to the ears of a conservative like Mark Meadows – a guy who, incidentally, is blessed with a name that would work pretty nicely for a male porn performer. It’s alliterative, pastoral, and makes him sound like the sort of guy who could suck dick like a true champion of fellatio. (Hey – I didn’t say it was a good straight porn name….)

Meadows recently tweeted another Ronald Reagan quote that’s germane here: “Government’s first duty is to protect the people, not run their lives.” While it obviously would be a stretch to say that government workers protect people by watching porn, it’s also pretty clear that so long as a bureaucrat is busy flogging the bishop, he’s not really in a position to run our lives. He may well be in the position to ruin the carpet in his office, or render the pile of paperwork on his desk rather sticky, but that’s another issue altogether – one that probably can’t be remedied by federal law.

Personally, I think Mark Meadows should rethink his new bill and look at the bright side: if the best thing the government can do for its people is stay out of our way, then porn watching is as good a way as any to ensure that happens. After all, so far as I’m aware, none of these sinecure-sitters is accused of stroking it in public, right?

Although, now that I think on it some more, an act of en masse public masturbation by government bureaucrats might be more productive than anything Congress itself has done in decades….

Coleen Singer is a writer, photographer, film editor and all-around geeky gal at Sssh.com, where she often waxes eloquent about sex, porn for women, sex toys, censorship, the literary and pandering evils of Fifty Shades of Grey and other topics not likely to be found on the Pulitzer Prize shortlist. She is also the editor and curator of EroticScribes.com. When she is not doing all of the above, Singer is an amateur stock-car racer and enjoys modifying vintage 1970s cars for the racetrack. Oh, she also likes porn.