We all know that sex toys are there to spice things up in the bedroom. To take things to the next level. I’m completely down with all kinds of spiciness but my hipness doesn’t seem to extend this far. Perhaps I am a prude, but when I look at these toys my vagina seems to crawl inside me and shiver in fear. I check for excitement but keep coming up short. You check it out and let me know what you feel?

Terrifying Scorpion Vibrator (image above)

No that is not it’s official name, but that’s the name I’m giving it! This is the vibrator for the woman who fantasizes of getting eaten out by a… scorpion? I’m not sure what to think really. The thought of this scorpion, however fake, going near my nethers is terrifying! Much less giving me orgasms. My brain won’t be able to process it!

Floor scrub humiliator

It’s actually called the humiliator, for humiliating purposes I presume. I’m not one to judge, but I’m also not one to scrub the floor with my mouth while in a full body onesie as sexual play. That’s called housework.

Fang sucker

I dunno, this could go either way. For me, this is almost in the same category as a vibrating scorpion touching my lady bits. But the fangs? What do you think?

Scary succubus doll

This is about the same category as the penis-boob-vagina thingy except on a much scarier level. What is this? A fetus? Did someone’s daughter make this in pottery class and then they made holes in it as a gag and some disillusioned sex toy maker picked it up and viola! There we are…

Penis stuffer

If you don’t know what this is, count yourself lucky. If you are disillusioned into thinking this goes up your bum, well hear me laugh out loud at your naiveté! This my friend, goes in your penis piss hole. That’s right. Made for slowly stretching your piss hole, because it “Feels  like jacking off from the inside of your dick.”

Dildo gas mask

 I’m not trying to be a mean bitch, but is the person wearing this expecting some kind of deadly vaporous substance to ooze out of the nether regions of whomever they decide to use this dildo on? It all kind of looks like they took playing doctor all the to the radioactive level.

Vacuum Bed

This seriously scares me. I know it’s used in BDSM play but the thought of accidental asphyxiation takes away any pleasure that err… might come out of not being able to move from being vacuumed on to this contraption.

Is your sex life as adventurous as the people who are out there buying the toys above? Mayhaps you have even used some of the toys above. Do tell.