In 1996 Tori Amos declared that for her, ¨It’s gotta be big,” in the hit song Professional Widow. As far as I’m concerned she can have the big ones, for me it’s gotta be real. As the thinly veiled subject of that song was penises, I am of course making reference to porn.

It’s not that I have a preference for voyeurism, I don’t merely like amateur porn more than other genres, for me it HAS to be real. I simply cannot get into anything other than amateur, homemade, couples, whatever you want to call it when average people are filming their average sex.

Are there guys out there who have trouble getting into porn when the babes have hair so bleached you can hear it crunching as they bounce their overly orange bodies up and down on a comically sized penis, their overly round breasts not jiggling up and down? Is it a female thing or more an insight into my specific personality?

My penchant for reality bleeds into so many areas in my life so it makes sense that porn would not be spared. On a tour of a concentration camp I was the only one stopping to say ¨excuse me, are these the actual bunk beds they slept on?¨ In a similar vein the contents of my kindle reads as if it has a stutter; the Autobiography of…, the Autobiography of…, the Autobiography of…, etc.

Unfortunately the cynic in me doesn’t give the pervert in me any alone time and there is a constant stream of commentary whilst watching ‘regular’ porn. ¨She doesn’t really like that,¨ I say as what looks like a bronzed bag of walnuts does a bad job of licking the star’s clit (for a maximum of 30 seconds) while she moans like a banshee.

There seem to be a lot of fake amateur movies being made lately, maybe it’s in wake of all those terrible fake reality TV shows that are actually scripted. Who do they think they’re fooling with better production quality than a Tarantino film and stars whose nether regions we have all seen before.

¨Wait a second… if these guys are a couple… and he’s behind her pumping away, and she’s propped up in the front there… who’s holding the camera that is clearly moving about?¨

You want me to believe that this really is her first time? Then don’t cast a chick with tattoos on her groin because if she is ballsy enough to get a tattoo anywhere near that area, she’s no virgin. Not to mention she’s at least 35. By the way, who the fuck is filming their first time? Surely you’d want to give it a few run-throughs before getting anything on tape.

Give me Mr. Average and his nuthin’ special girlfriend who are actually enjoying fucking each other’s brains out any day. To all the voyeurs out there, I say, thanks and keep up the good work.