So this happened pretty recently. I was having some friends over for dinner the same night as my roommates were trying to have a romantic dinner. Sometime that afternoon I’d told my roommate, a respectable young lady, about the party and she told me of her plan, saying she’d have hers before mine. Problem solved? Of course not! I tried to tell my friends to arrive a little later, and headed out to the market to buy bacon and other business to slop together. No responses, but I wasn’t worried.

I arrived, though, to a screaming match between my roommate and her boyfriend. They left together in a huff and I proceeded to ignore it and have my dinner soiree, unaware that my friends had demolished the alleged romantic evening. Apparently, two of my friends hadn’t seen my messages and had appeared at my house, sitting down with my roommate and her boyfriend, thinking it was my meal. Big mistake. I was later blamed.

As someone who has lived with couples and been part of a couple living in a shared apartment, I’ll be the first to say be real careful. Couples are volatile little organisms, and their balance can fall out of alignment based on the activities of others in their vicinity. This is not to say don’t ever do it (it’s cheaper than finding a place for two people, or one person and expecting the significant other to crash a whole bunch), but know the dangers involved.

For those of you who live with a couple, or live with someone who has their other over all the damn time, don’t you ever let them rule the apartment. They have to know it’s shared, and shouldn’t do gross stuff everywhere (sex in the shower is fine once or twice because the event cleans itself), like hogging a whole living room for a romantic movie night. Actually, the only time they should invoke the “get your ass outside the apartment” card is for sex, because booty is important. I was once kicked out of a dorm room for a cute evening of no sex (or so my ex-roommate tells me), which I’ll never forgive him for. You need time to be with your girl or guy without booty? Don’t make me leave the comfy couch for it!

On that same note, be respectful of a couple, because they’re just trying to be happy. Don’t get annoyed that they never leave their room and use rope to securely trap them inside it (that’s only funny once). You wouldn’t want them to have couple-ish revenge all over your business.

And if you are part of a couple, be respectful of your roommates. They really don’t want to see how stupidly happy you are, and they really, really don’t care if you are having romantic troubles. I still feel bad for an ex of mine who had to be in the apartment while my roommates used the whole place as their emotional warzone. I vote that if you are utilizing the entire apartment for a fight, the other folks in the place have the right to get comfortable on the couch, make some popcorn, and get a taste of what reality television should be (don’t waste all that yelling, you’re not going to resolve anything!).

And of course, if you’re going to have loud sex, create a code for other folks about the house. Like a foghorn, Ride of the Valkyries, or, best yet, a false text to your roommates about free beers as far away as possible!