The art of making love begins when getting off is not the goal. Having an orgasm is the icing on the cake perhaps but the cake itself is where the magic happens. There are cupcake shops whose main draw is the icing. Big globs of sugar sell. But I would argue that a good cake is the main event.

Pure icing is penetration, climax, the end. A box cake is a bit of foreplay that addresses tits, cunt and cock. Then, penetration, climax, the end. A delicious cake uses a perfect combination of ingredients. A slow, thoughtful preparation of parts measured and blended and baked to perfection with olfactory sensation as the ingredients marry in the heat of the oven. Then, the icing is a perfect way to top it off.

There’s a lot of bad sex happening in the world. A lot of icing and bake by numbers box cake baking going on. The art of making love is a whole body, multi sensory, engagement. Whether it’s a one night stand or a frequently repeated partnership, it’s only going to be as good as what you put into it.

Somewhere along the way it seems that sex has become the act of getting off and maybe even getting your partner off. There is cunnilingus and fellatio. There are designated parts of the body for diddling and nibbling. There is a performance protocol which ultimately distracts the players from achieving real pleasure in the process. If you’re dominating you’re not submitting. If you’re submissive you’re conscious of your responsiveness…

How we’ve arrived here is beyond me. If there is one arena where we should all be following our instincts without getting caught up in our heads, it seems to me that making love should be the place.

Making love with every molecule, with every single part of the body and without any goal is where it’s at. Being able to dominate with utmost sensitivity to your lover keeps the excitement vital and the arousal growing. Being submissive with utmost sensitivity to your lover keeps the dynamic alive and the desire building. When the cake is baking, the oven has to be the right temperature, even if you have to adjust the dial along the way.

There’s a balance of energy that can only happen with an awareness of and an appreciation for not only your own body but also for the body of the other. There’s no formula for any sexual encounter and we wind up with a whole lot of icing and not enough cake when we go through the motions of sex without making and maintaining the connection.

Marie Antoinette didn’t say, “Let them eat icing”. She knew!