For some reason masturbation is a cause for more embarrassment than sex, especially getting caught masturbating… and most definitely getting caught by a parent. Never one to let a good laugh go, we’ve decided to collect some of the best and funniest masturbation stories from a Reddit Thread we found and put them here for your reading pleasure. In their own words:

Depressed01

“I was jerking it in my parents master shower, this is poor choice 1. My dad walks in and sees me jerking it, I don’t stop, poor choice 2. We make eye contact and he mumbles under his breath “hurry up… oh my god,” and quietly closes the door. My mother walks in a few minutes later and I’m still going at it. We make eye contact, I still don’t stop, third time’s the charm I guess (not). She says “hurry up and finish” Then slams the door. I finish then run down stairs to my room. I have a friend come pick me up and I stay at his house for three days without seeing my parents. When I go back home I say hello to my mom and dad then go down stairs, and go about my life as if nothing ever happened.”

I_smell_awesome

“I’m drunk so I don’t give a shit about posting this. I was like 11, 12 maybe. It was the early 90’s, I had a TV with cable in my bedroom, and I used to watch a lot of shows. One of my favorites was Alf. So for one Christmas I received a talking Alf doll, and I was VERY happy with it. I don’t really remember what he said, but I do remember that he had a talk box thing in the back, and was extremely fuzzy and comfy. So me being an experimental child. I decided to cut a hole in Alf between his legs and fuck the doll. I did that a few times, and one time my dad walked in on me while I was doing it. Alf on the bed, me just banging away at something that I felt was a vagina, and I’m sure my dad just being shocked and flabbergasted by what he saw. After what seemed like a million years, he just said “Go get some paper towels from the garage” and left. So after a few minutes of awkwardness, I finished… or whatever I thought finishing was, pulled up my pants, walked out and got the package of paper towels for him.”

Getdownlikesyndrome

“Was enjoying a little Pork Swordery in my bedroom one glorious evening when I hear my mum call for dinner. I was young and lazy so used to just let fly on the carpet next to my bed…

Few mins later my dad calls out, “Getdownlikesyndrome! DINNER!” I wasn’t stopping for no man at that stage. Just as I started the inevitable release I stood up. At about halfway through the second-linker Dad wrenches open the door to see his son, spurting gloriously all over his carpet. We make eye contact, he backs out of the room mumbling something about soup. Awkward meal was had that night.”

118940835

“The credit for this gem goes to my friend. He was in the early high school years (circa 2004) and really going at it one night. He was downstairs sitting at the family computer watching porn and tugging away. All of the sudden he feels a hand on his shoulder and his dad says, “Hello, son.” My friend loses his erection, and his dad makes him put his pants on and tell his mom what he was doing. Then he had to show his mom what he was watching. It was lesbian porn.”

RustyShacklefordIII

“Had a friend back in middle school who was jacking it at his computer in his room when his mom knocks and starts to open the door. He tried to jump up and lock the door before she could see anything but got tangled in the shorts around his ankles and fell on the coffee table. He managed to break his arm, 1 leg of the coffee table, and hit his dick on his novelty giant TV remote. He just laid there with one hand on his injured junk, yelling in pain, with silent porn playing on his computer in the background, all while his mom stood at the door cussing at him in Spanish for 10 minutes before she realized he couldn’t get up. She finally had to help him up and drove him to the hospital to get his arm looked at. Came home and his dad had removed his door as well as the computer. The shamme. Oh, the shammmme!”

Froghurt

“When I was 13 or so, and had just discovered masturbating, I had this couch in my room. And as it happens, that couch had a neat hole in it. Being 13 and masturbating any chance I had, I wondered “hmm I wonder if I could put my dick in there?” So yeah, I started humping my couch. Well, only did it once.

Of course, at that time my dad walks in, and sees me look around with my pants around my ankles and humping the couch… he just murmured something and got out, never mentioned it again.

PS: no locks here.”

I must say, some cool parents in the stories above. That said I would never want to be in any of the situations above! How about you? Do you have any embarrassing masturbation stories? Share it with the world in the comments below!