I was in my local lad pub having a few pints of Laddingtons bitter, with the odd packet of Ladburies extra crinkly crisps when the subject of ultimate sexual fantasies came up.

This struck me as strange because although men do reference sex a lot in the form of Carry On style double entendres, it is within my own meandering observation that they rarely go into specifics, and perhaps for good reason.

When describing the female form for example, the adjectives used are not that far away from Orwell’s Newspeak. ‘She had a doublepluss nice ass,’ I heard someone say once. Well, maybe not quite, but you get the general picture.

When we are celebrating, let’s say, a particular sumptuous pair of boobs, we often opt for the simpler adjectives like ‘big’ or ‘small’, sometimes adding the word ‘fucking’ as an intensifier. The more cultured among us may even employ the age-old habit of delving into Old Norman French by calling them ‘petite’. Hell while they’re in the Old Norman dictionary, they might even go so far as to call a woman’s ass ‘perky’, yet the general combinations used for description still remain about as varied as a game of Cluedo. A fit bird, in the ass, with my nob.

Then there’s the pussy (I’ve wracked my brains, and I honestly don’t believe that there is a better word for it, although I am open to suggestions) I think the only adjectives I’ve ever really heard in conjunction with the pussy are wet, tight, dry, and loose.

There are of course some wild similes involving wizard’s sleeves, and Robbie Williams’ collection of lithographs, but the adjectives still remain relatively colorless, and I think that’s why my eyes generally glaze over when someone talks about sex these days.

When I was a kid, we had to invent these wild stories about some girl we had met on holiday, who conveniently couldn’t be cross referenced as she lived in Devon, and I lost her phone number, and she isn’t on MySpace, so get off my fucking back already.

They were incredible accounts of the most unlikely conquests, with the strangest details left in. I remember asking one mate what a pussy looked like, and he started describing this throbbing rectangular entrance where the knob would normally be. I asked him if he had worn a condom, to which he replied that he didn’t have one, so he shagged her in ‘the hole they piss out of’ instead, and then ended up coming not in, but through her ass; such was the immensity of his penis I suppose. Part of me still believes his story, as a throbbing rectangular entrance, which leads straight through to the ass, is far more interesting than a ‘wet fanny’.

Incidentally, after hearing a few standard fantasies about Robbie Williams’ collection of lithographs and whatnot, my mate, who we’ll call Henry Ladwell, finally started describing his ultimate fantasy, which he had already agreed with his missus, as he had already fulfilled hers. The next time England were in a penalty shoot out at the world cup, she’d suck him off as he watched. And they say chivalry is dead. I went to ask him what he did for her, but I felt the description would be so boring I’d have to slit my own wrists to deny my hands the blood supply needed to strangle myself to death as they took selfies next to my convulsing body. I love hearing about sex. I just hate the way it’s told.