In a recent article, Lola Lovely discusses the idea that an average penis, while not as impressive to look at as a porn star-style grand schlong, is better in terms of functionality. Her analysis reveals that a normal penis simply fits better, as opposed to an uncomfortably large cock. All the emotional psycho-babble aside, this is revelatory information and sets many a man’s mind at ease. Or, at least, it should. The penis as a physical organ as well as a figure in emotional and psychological discourse is problematic, and many of the links between the member and behavior have to be cross-sectioned before wisdom such as Lola Lovely’s can be applied.

To almost all men, the penis constitutes a heaping portion of identity, whether we want it to or not. No matter how many times the mantras, “Size doesn’t matter,” and “It’s who I am on the inside that counts,” get repeated, the penis remains a wellspring of neurosis and identity crisis. It’s men’s first and final obsession, a part of the human form that embodies sexual virility and therefore power among the other animals. Pornography sets a high standard, as do other parts of culture. Having a large penis, or at least a very active penis, is lauded among every gender, affording the highly virile and well endowed with power over others in their habitat.

The psychology of this is very pervasive and enters into all manner of social interaction. Men are constantly comparing their private organ with other members of their species (unconsciously, mostly), and many conversations between men will have some sort of penis contest tacitly embedded. A dude feels fear at the idea of being the smallest in the pack. Shame is an incredibly powerful feeling, especially brought on by a physical characteristic that can’t be altered. The constant judgment of other males either inspires the move to becoming a more emotionally available person (once you realize the mind is the more important part of public and private intercourse) or builds the need to lie or omit, and that may be taxing. This creaturely judgment is no illusion, as some folks will tell you; men and women alike continuously promote a culture where the grander cock holds all the cards.

Television shows, movies, and popular music all afford gossip immense power; even something as silly as chatting about dick size can make men retreat to emotional insecurity. Women often want men to open up, but this is almost impossible when prejudgment exists in popular culture. The discourse of the penis shows an incredibly harmful set of behaviors. Because the penis is the first window into sexuality (generally deep connections between minds happen after physically deep ones between a penis and the target orifice have been established), developing trust for other animals in culture is difficult when said culture teaches to chastise the minutely endowed (through a system subtle enough to be known but not easily charted).

This is not to say that women are to blame, and nor are men. The situation is far more complex than that. It’s not like commercials, gossip columns, and pornography are going to stop propagating the image of the powerful big penis, so it’s up to the scrutinizing individual to observe the impact their opinions about penises have on others, and themselves. People can be incredibly hard on themselves for personal physiology, and their prideful friends and a size-obsessed society aren’t helping.

And it’s not only size that appears to be important, but also performance. Men have the doubly difficult task of having a large penis and satisfying women all the while having to prove both to their male compatriots. No matter how much biology and psychology appear to convince us that performance is mental and depends on emotional connection, men will beat themselves up over a flaccid dick. Men will wonder why they don’t have the duration of porn stars, or even those highly virile men ladies seem to gossip about. Sexual satisfaction seems to be this legendary event that decides one’s identity, for the better or for the worse.

So where does this leave us? Lola Lovely reduces sexual satisfaction to the individual’s desires, and assuages men’s fears by assuring us that the vagina doesn’t need a thunderously large cock for pleasure. As always, this could all be a matter of communication, and the ego could benefit from finding like creatures to share individual sexual pleasure. The big dicked fellows can continue their voyages, and men with smaller penises can be secure in the idea that there are many more extreme forms of pleasure when the mind is harvested for ideas other than basic intercourse. Identity should not be intrinsically linked to a proportionately small body part, but it always is to some degree, so best to understand how and why (and what sort of errors exist in the surrounding society and culture).

Side note: A percentage of those reading this have already judged the author about the size of his schlong based on the article’s content. This demonstrates prejudgment and self-assurance, and suggests that this issue remains controversial yet stagnant because we’ve either as a symbolic species developed an affinity for shaming other creatures, or refuse to soberly admit our deficiencies to our partners and each other (thereby negating their definitions as deficiencies in the first place…maybe).