“I had a dream…”

That phrase is the immediate catalyst for one of two reactions. Either you are reminded of an awe-inspiring speech in the wrong tense, or you’re ready to slip into a coma of complete boredom as someone recounts their unconscious ramblings while all you wait for is the mention of your name, because admit it, that’s all you care about.

Rest assured this was no ordinary dream that I’m going to bore you with; the only person who would call this ordinary is a 14-year old boy wrapped in soggy sheets.

In one of my previous articles, I talked about living in shared accommodation – something that I endured for way too long on some levels. It was during that time that I started to research the touch free orgasm. Was it even possible? How do you do it? Who can do it? Can I do it… um… now, please?

Well friends, I have the answers. Yes, it’s possible. There are a few different ways and I’m pretty sure with a bit of practice (plus a lot of will power) we could all potentially get ourselves there. The hardest part is not caving in and popping your hands under the sheets when you’re all hot and bothered.

Without any more space than a single bed takes up to call my own, I would surreptitiously work my kegels into a frenzy and think happy thoughts. Not happy thoughts, like as if it was my birthday and someone gave me a whole wheel of quality Parmesan cheese, but you know… about dicks and stuff…

I then read that adding a little puffing and panting would do the trick if all that clenching wasn’t. With a pillow stifling my heavy breathing, all that seemed to do was give me a mild, woozy, high.

For a long time I persevered, using different triggers to remember to do kegels exercises throughout the day, like every time someone said my name or I looked at my watch, hoping this would help, but nothing came, so to speak.

Then it happened. Just last week I woke up with a jolt from a sexy dream, flustered and out of breath and thankfully alone in the room from my very first nocturnal orgasm. Although the climax refs would probably agree that to qualify as “touch free” you’d probably have to be awake, I’m pleased with my progress and keen to continue the research at any hour of the day.